Hi Blog,

Just to let you know the girlfriend is very nice- small , blonde and slim and obviously intelligent. I don't know what she made of us- Fading as we are- but I guess we are just like any old parents. Oh, strike out the word 'old'...........

Anyway I now do feel old and Faded and jaded. Oh for a nice young body -I try my best- down at the gym again today toning and honing- but it's bloody hard work. Dieting again- will I stick to it this time? I tried Weightwatchers- first time it didnt work, second time it did a bit but no-where near enough, so I'm now trying one out of the Sunday Times. All the food looks very edible and there's everything set out so No Excuses. Except I could murder a piece of chocolate- fortunately there isn't any in the house.......Desperation will lead me to another cigarette and a cup of tea- should be water but water is so boring.........

But with all this I still won't be 18 again..well I don't think I'd want to be 18 but under the Certain Age barrier would be good. When will technology advance enough for me to go out and buy a new body- that's what I want to know- or get a new one like with cloning or this thing with teeth where you can grow new ones rather than wear dentures? (sounds good to me- I am NOT wearing dentures... ever)

I'm too chicken ( and poor) to have cosmetic surgery - it would solve a lot of my problems mind you- but then again so could sellotape. Well at least on my face; I only need a tiny bit of uplift to the face- sellotape would do the job, you know just at the sides of my ears, and then I could hide it with my hair. I just worry if it started to peel off or crackle like it can do when applied to skin........could be embarrassing- one side of your face dropping and not the other? Hhhhmmmm...... Wouldn't improve the old tummy though- unless I bound myself with it- get through a lot of rolls that way- put the share prices up...Perhaps there's a special sort- maybe they use it for films or something- should I investigate?

Excercise doesn't work I've found- well not there- if anyone has a sure fire tummy exercise that definately flattens bulges I'd love to know about it. All the ones I've tried have't really made a jot of difference. I think under the bulge it is toned but its getting to the bulge. This is where the diet should work I guess- but it hasn't yet - and it's a week and no weight loss. Why not? Answers on a postcard please to ........before I give up in despair.

Anyway must go I have to do a report tonight for work tomorrow. Ugh to both.

Night Blog.

Morning Blog,

Well just a quickie, as they say, as I am waiting for the plumber to arrive to do yet another costly repair to our house...I live in a Victorian rambling place that has things continually needing doing- roof leaks, rising damp, door frames rotting, gates rotting, you name it, and all to provide accommodation to squatters- like spiders, and flies, bees and wasps, lacewings and woodlice. The joys of an older property. Anyway- No.1 son is home today + girlfriend- just to make me feel Faded again. I was just recovering from yesterdays blues and I am now to face a young, blonde, slim girlie. He's never brought a girl home before- basically he doesnt bring many friends home- not even old school friends...we are deemed Too Embaressing.....We make weird remarks and opine in a way that is obviously totally uncool.

Errr...well I see myself, as I said a while ago, as about 16 inside my head. He obviously sees me as an old baggage. Gawd.

But I was young and slim once.. He recently found an old photo of me on holiday in a bikini and couldnt believe it was me- 'Oh, Mum- you could have been a model!!' ( thats my boy!!) This is why I hate being of a Certain Age and beginning to Fading.

Anyway I am therefore unsure what to do with this girlie. Do I treat her as a guest? As in 'Hi, how are you? Would you like a cup of tea? Do sit down.' sort of thing. Or do I ignore her apart from a passing 'Hi!' as I waft my way about doing my usual stuff.

I always like to greet guests and spend time with them- but then they are usually my guests-my friends etc. Well, I am not loosing sleep over this ( I am supposed to the the Grown Up after all) but its a novel position to be in.

I will keep you informed. Must go- the plumber has arrived with his young apprentice and they are both requiring Tea- that good old British institution!!

Ciao Blog

Evening Blog,

Its a lovely evening here- UK- just got back from walking the dogs by the river- it was just lovely- blue sky, high cirrus clouds wisping across, sun just starting to head for home, the river like a millpond, rowers rowing, splish slash with their oars, geese honking, birds tweeting, just glorious. Makes you glad to be alive- and I have a friend I have just found out is probably dying- she's just dicovered she's got cancer. She doesnt smoke- unlike moi, who is right now even knowing I shouldn't- she plays a lot of sport, she eats healthily, and she's got cancer. Not the usual sort that women of a Certain Age often get, but a weird one- I shan't go into details cos really I really want to blot this knowledge out. As I am sure she does. What a bummer.......

This is why getting older and starting to Fade is No Fun- no fun at all. I must make an effort to make more of my life- such as I feel I have left now. When these things happen your mortality starts to hit you in the face- like a slap round the face with a wet fish. Thoughts of 'what's it all about' and 'will this horrible thing happen to me?' slip through your mind. And the alternative needs some thoughts- like if you live for any length of time what about Life in Old Age? Pensions, old folks homes, senility, Jeez I am really depressing myself here, and it is such a lovely evening. The irony of life eh?

Hmmmm....well there's not a lot I can do for my friend- other than the usual moral support etc, and theres' nothing I can do for myself either- cos even though I smoke and I worry about lung cancer- she didnt do any of these things and look what's happened. The old 'when your numbers up' stuff.

What can I do to cheer myself up? I think I'll go out and pick up a Nice Young Man. My husband is always going on about 'you're only as old as the woman you feel'. Well I feel like a Nice Young Man.....he! he! He's had his fun times so I think I might just have one or two myself... He won't know- he's always away- and I havent a clue what he's up to...Perhaps I shall- before I Fade so much no-one can see me, or I get sick like my friend.

Sorry to be depressing Blog- but this is another aspect of Fading....

Dear Blog

Well I thought I would do a quick entry today for some mental distraction. I am at work and trying to avoid a nasty report that needs doing by yesterday - and eating my rabbit food lunch. Rabbit food to try and lose weight. This is a problem for women of a Certain Age(and men but that is for them to tackle). No matter what you do the weight creeps on. I eat so healthily I can't believe it- salads with no dressing; grilled meat or fish, steamed vegetables, soya not milk, water not alcohol, no chips, crisps, curries, choccies- oh dear, how saaadddd - well its not quite true as there are occasions where I can resist no longer and scoff a flapjack or some chocolate but truthfully that's only every so often and certainly not everyday. I go to a gym twice a week, I walk dogs everyday and I play tennis as often as I can. Why do I not look svelte and gorgeous? Whilst I do not expect to be the weight I was when 18, something 2 stone less than I am now would be cool. Whilst everyone says I dont look large/fat/overweight whatever ( Are they being nice or what?), I remain unconvinced especially when I can't fit in my favourite clothes.

So, rabbit food- todays lunch was (yes its all gone now) a pitta bread with tuna and accompanied by a mixed cold vegetable salad with sesame seeds and some lettuce and tomatoes- no dressings. I doubt that I shall fade away on that.

So beware y'all to keep your weight down whilst you can.. little constant adjustments are better than a major overhaul and dont have kids- that was my downfall- pregnancy - I never did recover properly.Body ruined, nerves shattered and sleep deprived- ah the joys of motherhood- but thats another topic and not related to a Certain Age.

Gosh I'm still hungry- well I shall go and get some chilled water from the Chilled Water machine and see if that works.

And please note that whilst I am musing here I am perfectly well aware that some people have no clean water to drink, no proper food or clothes, no shelter, no medicines,no sanitation, no education, not much of a life- but as I said at the beginning of these musings I cannot change the world. I do have a nibble at the edges here and there though and do my bit. I guess if we all did a bit we would all change the world..................?

Hi Blog!

Back again- No1 son went back to Uni- to summer exams....so I have some peace and quiet- husband off away also...even more peace and quiet. I don't know how men manage to take up so much space and make so much mess...newspapers manage to spread themselves everywhere, empty beer bottles appear as if by magic, yoghurt pots escape the fridge and washing appears in the laundry basket like mushrooms growing overnight. And why do you always have odd socks? Is it the washing machine that eats some? did you not put a whole pair in the laundry basket? Or is it one of the Great Mysteries of the Universe? It is a world wide problem from what I can gather. I mean it happens here in the UK; I know it happens in Australia and the USA.

Ah well- what I was actually on here about today was more Fading issues. I was reading in the Sunday Times about how advertisers and suppliers miss out on people over a Certain Age (it was 50 in this case).. And What a Big Mistake that is. People over 50 have more disposible income ( well there's something to look forward to then?!)but no-one is vying for all this money because they still target youngsters- who don't actually have as much money. There were all sorts of reasons why this happens given, none of them overly convincing.- I just pray that the vanguard of the Baby Boomers generations manage to convince people that being over a Certain Age does not consign you automatically to the Old Folks Home. The article showed Mick Jagger on the front of Saga magazine ( a mag for those over 50- it comes through the post to mark your 50th birthday and make you deadly depressed- who in their right minds would want to read a mag that is associated with Old Age- but whoops I'm being ageist here). And Helen Mirren -still looking good after all those years. I hope I look as well in a few years.

I hope Marks and Spencers realise that being a Certain Age doesnt mean you want to dress in sacks ( thinking of plummeting shares) cos they have fallen between two stools- abandoning maturer women in favour of youth. Teenagers in UK would'nt shop in M&S if you paid them- they troop into Miss Selfidges, H&M etc. But us older fogies now cant even shop in M&S cos everything is aimed at teenagers.

But this is today and its facination with all things young. I wouldnt care but todays fashions dont even look good on girls over 21, let alone 41. They look especially bad on young girls of a Large Size - and there are plenty of those. They troop around where I live with bulging midriffs, huge thighs, fat calves, weighty arms and chests in little wisps of fabric, flesh all exposed to the elements and eyes, and they look..... terrible. Of course they think they dont, but most of them do. And then even sadder are the Older Women who, for whatever reason, are trying to squeeze into similar sorts of clothes....the stuff of nightmares!!

Whatever happened to well cut clothes, figure skimming not figure clinging clothes? Clothes that make you look stunning not clothes that make you look like a Fat Cow... Hmmmm is there a dress designer out there who will come to the Rescue? Please!! Or, even better, will the fashion for youth fade and it become trendy to be a Certain Age? Well, we can spell after all, oh, and we know about grammar and punctuation- not that I am indulging in that at the moment-but we know the rules and therefore when to break them. And we knew about Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll before them- and we are fit enough and rich enough and young enough to indulge all our passions. So pass me my zimmerframe I'm going out to have a Good Time..but where will I go?

Ah well, thats my rant, sorry, muse for today. No doubt I will think of another for later on.

Dear Blog

Gawd- my mind has gone blank again- is this what is known as writer's block?.....

I think I was quickly pen a note about another facet of being a Certain Age and beginning to Fade and that is What To Do When You Have Had Enough Of Your Career, but are probably too Faded to start again.
When you are Below a Certain Age you can chop and change careers relatively easily- I did it myself once-but reverted back to my original career cos I was more comfortable with it- then. Now I think I've had Enough...so what to do? I'm in the UK and, despite the fact we are very PC here one aspect of discrimination that has not yet been addressed is Age discrimination. Once passed 35 you are no use to anyone...and so once over a Certain Age you are on the rubbish heap of life.

Once I went and had one of those career re-evaluation thingies- where you do loads of tests and they match your skills ( what skills?)with careers. Apparently I was Highly Unusual because they came up with a choice of 12 careers for me- most folk only get a choice of about 4. Notably my then career was not mentioned amongst these 12.......Hmmm......strange. I always knew I was a square peg in a round hole, or is it a round peg in a square hole? I could retrain to be a lawyer, or a librarian, a marketing analyst or a PR executive- the list went on. I was Inspired, until I realised none of these was compatible with being a young Mum with no back up support for things like child care etcetc, so I went back to what I knew I could handle.

Now its too late I think to start any of them...sad, or what? So, what else? I used to win prizes for my paintings and sketches.....and for my essays but I think those days of youthful fantasising and lots of spare time to reflect and Mull on Life and Become Inspired have rather passed me by. But I do not want to wait to being Really Over The Hill and Retired.......shiver....shiver. Won't go there.

Well perhaps life will show me some signs for a new direction, and in the meantime I can get things out of my system on here. But, it's sad that here my Certain Age-ness would be held against me. Unless I went to work on the shop floor at B&Q. They prefer the More Mature person 'cos they actually turn up for work everyday and know what they are talking about and actually do their job instead of standing around giggling or gossiping.....Hmmmmm, well perhaps I won't go there either!!!!

Well I shall have to say ciao for a few days now dear Blog- 'cos No. 1 son is home tomorrow and he will be hogging the computer no doubt, and also I need my beauty sleep..................

Dear Blog

What a smart new format. Well you have to keep up with the times otherwise you too will get old and Fade!

I did an entry yesterday but clashed with the revamp so I am not quite sure where that one has gone, but it was a bit desolate, so perhaps I won't bother finding it.

I am going to do a quick entry today cos my boy is coming home from University in a couple of days and I won't get near the computer.

Its funny though- I have all sorts of ideas about what to write on here and then when the screen faces me my mind goes completely blank. Its nice to be able to write down ( when I can remember!) these thoughts- cos they do weigh heavily and its good to off load them. Mind you these thoughts are not the really meaningful ones because those are too depressing for words. I have too many of those because too much has gone wrong in the last 15 or so years and I have to blank the thoughts about them out otherwise I would be a wobbly jelly in a darkened corner. So, I just keep on trucking and now can put down these thoughts to relieve some of the clutter in my brain.

My latest thoughts on Fading come from a reunion on Saturday with old college mates- not the usual crowd but another lot I did my degree with but we all specialised in different subjects so we didnt see so much of each other. Its amazing that everyone is the same personality wise- we're all just physically ageing in varying different stages and Fading accordingly.

The thing is we are all still the same on the inside. Just like we were all those years ago. Same idiots, same attitudes etc. Its very difficult to match the two up- wrinkles and sagging on the outside, immaturity on the inside. Fading on the outside but growing (hopefully!)on the inside? Do the two processes converge? If so, where? What happens then? Do I explode? Implode? Or just have a good time while I can, cos at my rate there won't be many, if any, biological years left.

I just dont feel my biological age at all. I mean I think I must have matured emotionally to all of 16 years old. I say that cos I'm sure a while ago I was only about 12, but to save what was left of my sanity I went to counselling in the end cos of all the mega problems, and I think I have matured a bit after that. I am sure my son is more emotionally mature than me (although he hasn't been tested in the Big Wide World yet- life being so much softer for todays kids -that was the topic of yesterdays blog that I can't find). He just seems so much more together and laid back, thoughtful, reasoned and logical, whereas I am still not learning fast enough from past mistakes, not being mature etc etc. How can I be an adequate parent when I feel my son is more mature than me? Is this something other parents feel?

Now there is a comments facility I would love to find out what other people think - especially if there is anyone out there of a Certain Age reading these blogs of mine.

Well I can't think of anything more to say now so I might see you again soon if I have the time, otherwise it will be after my boy goes back to Uni for his summer exams.

Dear Blog,

Well today I cannot find my first blog anywhere so it makes it difficult to maintain continuity. This is what happens to leaner bloggers- sigh.

I recollect I was previously burlbling about Fading after a Certain Age - fading as in people no longer 'seeing' you as a human being- you becoming invisible with age once passed that awful midway mark. And it seems to me that when people get to 70 they are almost invisible and by 80 they don't exist to the mainstream world at all. Mind you, having said that I have read that 50 is the new 40, so perhaps I shouldnt get too screwed up yet. Although for men apparently 40 is the new 50, which was the new 40. I can go with that- although in my previous blog I did venture that getting older was easier for men as they could play at being the Older Man- whereas being the Older Woman is still a difficult call. This is because men can get away with wrinkles and some sagging ( not too much mind) whereas women can't. Men can grow beards to cover up double chins, whilst women cant. Well perhaps thats not quite true either nowadays 'cos apparently some women have testosterone supplements to help them keep sharp and aggressive, and if they get the wrong ones their voices can deepen and they can grow moustaches etc!!

Apparently they take them because women lose most of their natural testosterone by the time they are in their 30s and it affects their abilities to work hard and play hard in a mans world. (Perhaps I should try some - of the right stuff of course? I definately am not as sharp as I used to be. And my brain has gone- where to I am not quite sure but its a real nuisance when you start a sentence and have forgotten the ending before you get there.......).

Anyway to get back on track- perhaps because of all this disparity in ageing and peoples' perceptions women work harder at maintaining themselves, whilst men dont give a bugger and fade quicker. Which is why the Midlife Crisis age could still be 40 for men. I dont know.......what do you think?

I do know though that men generally start snoring after 40. My dear other half started snoring at around 40. He's a bit older than little moi. So, now I dont get many restful nights sleep ( perhaps that's why my brain has gone- sleep deprivation is a form of torture is it not?). When he's home he snores and so does one of our two dogs. They also sleep in the bedroom ( but not on the bed ) with us cos when my husband is away I dont sleep well on my own in our big empty old house, so I let them upstairs for company. I can mostly cope with one loudly snoring dog over the other side of the bedroom. As they get very upset and bark all night if shut downstairs when Husband returns we let them upstairs when he's back. So, I am sure you can picture the scenario - I end up with loud snoring, in stereo - one source being right next to my face. Bad news. No sleep. I am sure they are in competition with one another- see who can snore the loudest. The snoring dog by the way is only a little one- so I guess on the basis of bodyweight she wins paws down.

I am not the only sufferer of snoring men- most of my friends- also of this Certain age- have Snoring Husbands. Many have tried to get their men to effect cures- with vaying success- from the elbow in the side, to more expensive laser treatment to the soft palate to the extremes of air masks to Be Worn In Bed ( very sexy...........!!!) .... Otherwise its the spare bedroom, or earplugs of course!!

Life, as you can see, does not get attractive as you get older. By the way one of the main causes of Mid Life Snoring is weight gain - especially around the chops- so the advice to you guys to help you maintain your allure as you get older and start to gently Fade is to keep the weight down, down, down..........so if any of you in your 30's happen to be reading this be warned - keep your weight down to ensure no snoring and that you have a bright and breezy partner who gets a good nights sleep; otherwise you'll end up with a crabby sleep deprived wreck- like me! Or an empty bed in the morning..........very sad.

There are many other things that go awry after a Certain Age. But I shall continue these at another time as I must get on now. So bye Blog for today.

Gosh- Am I in? This is all new to me......a weblog virgin. I hope its going to be fun and not become an obligation. Why should this be an obligation - I'm a free agent, aren't I ?

Well I thought I would start this, partly out of wanting something to do and partly because- if I can work out what to do- I wanted to get some feedback and thoughts from folk out there about Things.

You see I have reached A Certain Age- for a woman thats really hard. I know it probably sounds trite, especially with all the problems of the world that abound at the moment. But I can't do much of anything to change these things - especially the current Middle Eastern mess- and even worse, I think, at the end of the day, the impending environmental disaster heading all our ways. Mind you I try to do a little bit to help in the Averting an Environmental Disaster through my work, but its a mere drop in the ocean really- which makes you realise how little you can do as an individual to change big things.

So to save recurrent nightmares involving being drowned by the rising seas I retreat to my immediate situation which is, amongst other things, becoming a woman of a Certain Age. Shiver....The feeling of life passing you by............

I am home alone most of the week- my husband works away Monday to Friday. Our only child is now at University. So its often just me and the dogs. Now dont get me wrong- I dont just sit home alone and whimper- I do work and then there's all the Boring Housework- which is something you men mostly dont consider as a major feature in your lives- I read a lot, I go out with friends, I go to the gym, play tennis and so forth, but theres still this awful sinking feeling that half your life has passed and you are on the Other Side of the Great Divide - the side where sports injuries catch up with you, weight goes on no matter what you do, soon Horrible Illnesses might just strike, wrinkles appear as if from nowhere and really you look absolutely stupid in today's girlie fashions.

And you are Becoming Invisible. What I mean by this is that you start to fade- like Frodo did in Lord of the Rings after being stabbed by the Nazgul blade. Its the same when you are a young mother. People don't see you - you don't count. I watch people a lot and I see young mothers with babies ignored unless they happen to get in the way or stick the baby buggy out in the traffic before they cross a road (Have you noticed that? Why do they stick prams into the road first before they look round to see if its clear to cross?). Anyway- its the same as you get older- you start to fade in other peoples' perception and vision- and of course the older you get the worse it becomes. And it starts once you become a Certain Age. And its all to do with Sex. Its not so bad for you guys- you can get away with being the attractive Older Man for a while, but for women its still not the same. Anyone seen the recent film with Jack Nicholsen and Diane Keaton? He looks a bit sad but attractively naughty with his young girls- she just looked like Keanu Reeves mum....Need I say more. So how much am I actually fading into oblivion? Its a sobering thought........hhmmmm....can't be sober.....

Do other people feel the same way-or haven't they noticed? And what to do? Well, this is where some feedback would be great- but I have yet to work out how to create a link- and a link to what? Who knows? Maybe i'll have found out by the next entry!!